Love is an Action

I have always jokingly said that it’s only people I have trouble with.  I’m know I’m not the only one though, and maybe this chapter explains why. 

Coupled with a keen interest in why I found myself repeatedly involved in certain kinds of relationships, I’ve always wanted to try and understand what makes people tick, what makes them who they are, what their reality of life is and what thought processes they used.  

When I was younger my efforts at being a little professor was to try and avoid the dangerous people whilst trying to find those who might be my better caregivers. I was hopeless at it. 

Since then in my research I’ve found different models of personalities and their interactions, some complex and way beyond discussion here.

However one stands for its simplicity.  It’s a connection to the ‘I’m Okay” or “I’m Not Okay” stance that started to reach western conscience in the 60’s with the renowned psychologist and author Eric Berne. 

Now, why people are drawn to each other is an infinitely complex subject, but given fifty years of learning, observation, many relationships and a study of Eric Bern’s work on Transactional Analysis, I personally found a model that made it easy for me to identify the kind of person that I was, and “suss out” others of my kind. Sometimes to my benefit, sometimes absolutely not.

I can’t claim that this model will guarantee a successful relationship because, as any marriage counsellor will tell you, individual pathologies have scant regard for any nomenclature or forecast of romantic success other than who wears the trousers and when.

No, the simple A/B categorisation I posit aims to elicit a basic understanding of just two personality types, with one being more susceptible to trauma than the other. And therefore more drama and disasters in their lives.

To the A/B description;

  
( note.. Sometimes the description works, sometimes it doesn’t, but allow yourself the space to see if it works for you. If it doesn’t then just skip along to the next chapter. )

Here is question for you.

In answering it’s important to go with your gut feelings.

Think back to your childhood and your early days of life. How you felt then.   It is not about what you thought you ought to feel, but how you actually felt. 

Once you’ve arrived in your head at his place as a very young child … the question is … did you feel that there was a welcome waiting for you? From parents, family, those around you?  

Let me describe a scenario. Imagine a family table, maybe with parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers etc already sitting at it.  Did you feel that there was a place at the family table for you?  Maybe a seat waiting for you. A chair with your name on it? A place mat?  A welcome that said “Hello Martha (or John or Noah), we have been waiting happily for you to arrive and we are so glad that you are here.”  

Okay, whilst it’s obvious that you were only a few days of a few months old, and couldn’t sit up, let alone sit at a table, the question is was there a sense of belonging? That you were valued?

Was it a welcome to your place in the family that said “Please feel loved and cherished and wanted and worthy of being here.  There is nothing you need to do. You’re loved.  All you need to be is be you” 

Or

Did you feel that you were born into something a little or a lot more emptier.  Born into a family struggle, or a dark corner, born into an invisibility, or unwantedness, or the wrong sex? Born into trauma, arguments or loneliness? Born maybe with people around you, but they were busy on other things, or other children?  Maybe there was a seat at a table, but it turned out to be a just a place, not much more. No-one was there to make the “you” inside you feel special.

Sometimes this feeling is a blurry feeling of not having happy memories, but not really knowing why. 

I categorize answers into those that I call Type B (the “I’m Okay”, relaxed, blessed, welcomed, wanted, loved, significant, praised people) and Type A (“I don’t feel Okay” not so happy, lonely, outsider). 

To help differentiate the two I think A for “alone”

And B for “blessed”

Type A and Type B have their own ways of thinking that typically remain throughout life until a significant life-changing event, happens.  A’s tend to be a bit hyper, perfectionists, stressed easily, whilst B’s tend to be the calmer, quietly assertive types, high achievers.  

The thinking process is different for each type too. 

The Type B, blessed, tends to grow up having an emotional strength and a resilience to life events.  Type B speaks of a predominantly happy childhood. Type B tends to move through life just a little more easily, less troubled by self-doubt than Type A. Believing that when things go wrong it’s the process or the thinking that’s at fault, or the other person that is wrong. There is a certainty with Type B’s that makes solutions seem obvious. Being wrong is a temporary thing born out of wrong decisions, that’s all. B’s suffer from guilt, which is different to shame. Guilt means “I’ve done something wrong, no-one is perfect, let’s move on” whereas shame meanes “I am wrong, I am faulty, I am the problem”.  Sure, B’s make mistakes, but they are just mistakes. They are good at brushing them off and moving on.  And if things go badly wrong then there may be a period of pain, loss and self-doubt, but the loss is unlikely to end in long term emotional problems unless a major life event ruins their sense of independence.

In Transactional Analysis, Type B responds to the positive conditioning from his environment in early days such as “you are worthy” “you are lovable”, “you are wanted”. 

Type A, the alone, however suffer more doubt and worry.  Type A is less sure of life and may never quite get where his or her place in life is.  Type A would like to be Type B and may struggle all through life to resonate the greater self-certainty of Type B, but this is more likely to be through an act or well-practiced, well-worn facade. Life is better described as a continual struggle for the Type A. Deep down type A feels an inadequacy in the world, unsure of what is needed to be accepted or liked or loved and often hopes that perfection will cure what’s lacking. On the dark side, self-loathing, depression, anger, shame and a feeling of not being fully in touch with the world are hallmarks of Type A.  Type A’s wear their masks more intently, may seem successful, but suffer more deeply if they become lost. A’s overthink in order to make “the right” decision. They are the worriers. Type A thinks that underneath, somehow, they is faulty, to blame, broken or unworthy. Taken to extremes Type A is predisposed to people pleasing, aggression, depression, abuse, health problems, early death and suicide.  Type A’s can end up giving more and more, sometimes until there is nothing left.

Type A picks up negative early childhood messages such as “you are unworthy” “you will have to work to prove your worth” “you are unwanted” “you are unlovable”. 

Ive noticed the friction between A’s and B’s. Happy B’s tend to be frustrated by the time and energy absorbed over the worries and concerns of the more troubled A’s, not understanding why Mr A seems to make life so hard for himself. “B” might even go as far as to consider that “A” is a narcissist, never getting his needs filled, focussing so much on the drama of his own life and those around him.

Ironically an A may well consider a B to be a narcissist with his lack of empathy and focus on his own achievements.

Deep down A’s invariably feel a lesser person in the presence of a B, so may try and appear of stronger character, acting out in many different ways to compensate for their lack of identity. 

There is of course a grey area to which someone might feel they are disposed towards A or B. There is a line with Pure A and Pure B at each end and every measure in-between.

It’s up to you to ponder and decide.

In the feedback I’ve had is that many people tend to see themselves as a B unless they’ve had the time and inclination to look a little deeper. Many practiced A’s wear the masks and sheep’s clothing of a B their whole lifetime, but the underlying indicators of stress and anxiety are never far away.

My interest of course lies in examining the Type A personality because that is where a larger part of my personality has existed for most of my life. I also feel that I’ve had a fair share of trauma, but also that that is probably of my inability to make the healthy decisions to protect my self that the Type B can make .

It’s in this examination that I seek to connect with others with similar traits, and shared experiences.  Though I feel I ought to be Type B with the considerable effort that my parents went to provide for me, inside I feel that I’m a Type A, albeit with some Type B qualities.  An introvert more than an extrovert.  Self-absorbed rather than self-assured. More of a troubled soul fighting for recognition than a calm leader paving an indisputable path through life.  Hiding beliefs rather than stating them clearly without concern.  Type A with some Type B mixed in.

Life is hard enough, but starting with a Type A personality will make life a tougher journey that is more likely to end up experiencing bullying, abuse, rape, domestic violence, alcoholism, drug addiction and lead to more incidents of PTSD and depression than average.  The loss of sense of self, the fractured soul, the broken spirit, ends up hiding in shame the very part that needs to brought out into the light, and onto the path to trauma recovery.

Unworthiness dims confidence, overthinking steals joy, and anxiety saps energy.

All is not lost though.

Whilst many Type A’s start life feeling entrenched in the victim role, feeling their life is a roundabout of things going wrong and people taking advantage, of being emotionally needy and attention seeking, feeling that life is always unfair and tough on them, Type A’s can also rise above the muddy waters to develop a self-awareness and become profound carers, artists, healers and givers of service to others.

This Type A learns to question things deeply, take responsibility, and searching for real answers to life, asking the question “why” rather than “why me”.  

A’s can become sensitive people, and the greatest carers. Type A, despite the burden of a fractured identity, have the capacity for holding a great empathy for others.

Holding a knowing of what it is like to feel lonely, or unlovable, an outsider, or lost or struggling in a silence in a world that is unsure,

Holding a knowing what it is like to seek the understanding of others, but finding it hard to penetrate veils of invisibility that shroud true connection.  

Aware of the need to people please. That consistent giving of power away to others in order to gain acceptability and avoid conflict.

Given the right lifetime opportunities and guidance this Type A can find ways to break out, to break their own mould, and be the inspirational leaders that lifts other souls to a higher place. 

It’s not only possible to escape, but also possible to escape on a journey that ends on higher, sacred ground. A journey aptly named “The Hero’s Journey”.  

Next: Mya, Mountain Lion

Previous: Trauma Transcendence: The Hero’s Journey